But I really want to kill myself.
At the very end you are all alone but why should you suffer until then?
Crying everyday and wondering where it all went wrong.
Doubting you choices, as if that little thing you did 10 years ago would have changed your life.
I know I have fucked up severely and I have hurt so many people. But know I feel my mistakes too.
I don't want to die, but I don't want to live.
It's so hard to explain when you have one good day and then one day where the signals are so mixed you don't know what to do.
When you feel like you bore your friends and they want nothing to do with you.
They don't try to talk to you anymore, they don't ask to hang out because they know you won't answer or say no. But now I'm not even invited period. And I don't know why.
It's gotta be my fault because you make your own luck. But if I could change myself I would.
If I could make it so anytime someone gave me a dirty look it wouldn't make me feel like I'm a waste of space. Or not including me in every detail means people don't like me. Or crying every time I think of what a disappointment I am to everyone.
If I could fix that I would. If I could just smile and not feel sad. If I could laugh and never cry. If I could I would be normal.
I'm so jealous of everyone being so happy, and having so much fun. Because I'll never be the person anyone calls for fun.
It's funny, I am so good at talking down other people and helping them get in a better place. When people get negative it's so easy for me to help put them in a better mood.
It's so hard for me because everyday I feel like I get out of bed, and I keep going. I keep trying. I do more than my best to impress people and I just feel forgotten. I feel helpless and stupid. I want to hear that I matter. Here that I deserve love and happiness. I don't know how to find it.
Shit is so dark. The world is a mess. But there has got to be something good right?
I just have such a hard time because its so back and forth. One minute I want to joke and laugh, one minute I want to cuddle and cry because I feel alone and that makes me feel alive for once. Sometimes I just want to drive my car off a bridge, or punch a stranger in the mall for chewing with their mouth open.
Its so hot and cold because I just feel the disappointment everyone has toward me.
I don't have any friends, I don't have any hobbies and I don't have anytime.
I just think to much. My mind is constantly moving and turning. Always running, thinking and contemplating. I constantly feel like everything is going to collapse because I'm runner up. I'm second choice. Always and forever.
I just want to smile.
I want to laugh.
I want to love.
I want to exist.
I want to matter.
I want to be special and make a difference.
Don't I deserve it?
How can I find that if I just want to die?
It would be so simple and easy, and no one would bat an eye.
How sad is that? How did I get to the point of feeling this alone around people. How can I be important to the people I love?
Why is this all just so hard.
Remember, this is not a suicide note, I just really want to die...
But even more than that, I really want to find that light, and I want to keep it for ever and make it mine and be happy. I just need help, and maybe a miracle..
At the very end you are all alone but why should you suffer until then?
Crying everyday and wondering where it all went wrong.
Doubting you choices, as if that little thing you did 10 years ago would have changed your life.
I know I have fucked up severely and I have hurt so many people. But know I feel my mistakes too.
I don't want to die, but I don't want to live.
It's so hard to explain when you have one good day and then one day where the signals are so mixed you don't know what to do.
When you feel like you bore your friends and they want nothing to do with you.
They don't try to talk to you anymore, they don't ask to hang out because they know you won't answer or say no. But now I'm not even invited period. And I don't know why.
It's gotta be my fault because you make your own luck. But if I could change myself I would.
If I could make it so anytime someone gave me a dirty look it wouldn't make me feel like I'm a waste of space. Or not including me in every detail means people don't like me. Or crying every time I think of what a disappointment I am to everyone.
If I could fix that I would. If I could just smile and not feel sad. If I could laugh and never cry. If I could I would be normal.
I'm so jealous of everyone being so happy, and having so much fun. Because I'll never be the person anyone calls for fun.
It's funny, I am so good at talking down other people and helping them get in a better place. When people get negative it's so easy for me to help put them in a better mood.
It's so hard for me because everyday I feel like I get out of bed, and I keep going. I keep trying. I do more than my best to impress people and I just feel forgotten. I feel helpless and stupid. I want to hear that I matter. Here that I deserve love and happiness. I don't know how to find it.
Shit is so dark. The world is a mess. But there has got to be something good right?
I just have such a hard time because its so back and forth. One minute I want to joke and laugh, one minute I want to cuddle and cry because I feel alone and that makes me feel alive for once. Sometimes I just want to drive my car off a bridge, or punch a stranger in the mall for chewing with their mouth open.
Its so hot and cold because I just feel the disappointment everyone has toward me.
I don't have any friends, I don't have any hobbies and I don't have anytime.
I just think to much. My mind is constantly moving and turning. Always running, thinking and contemplating. I constantly feel like everything is going to collapse because I'm runner up. I'm second choice. Always and forever.
I just want to smile.
I want to laugh.
I want to love.
I want to exist.
I want to matter.
I want to be special and make a difference.
Don't I deserve it?
How can I find that if I just want to die?
It would be so simple and easy, and no one would bat an eye.
How sad is that? How did I get to the point of feeling this alone around people. How can I be important to the people I love?
Why is this all just so hard.
Remember, this is not a suicide note, I just really want to die...
But even more than that, I really want to find that light, and I want to keep it for ever and make it mine and be happy. I just need help, and maybe a miracle..
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