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I really can't even....

Listen to Linkin Park.
I know it's stupid but when I was young and my depression was more simple that music was playing many a crying lonely time when I could express it enough because it wasn't valid. I would scream the words from the top of my lungs feeling symbiotically alone with everything and it was okay.
Knowing those words came from someone who has fallen on those words, it is so bitter.
It is so hard. Because I don't know if I should call it strength, or will power or what.
I don't know if his actions were negative or positive and it makes me question a lot. I'm so conflicted about my worth. I don't want to live but I don't want to die.
One day will I gain the courage to be a coward?
Will I gain the strength to be weak?
Call it what you want. But the feeling never goes away.
Ever.

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