All these people....

Who have all the money in the world to look for help.
Therapy, Counselling, medication, experimental medication, just endless resources to help them get better.
Does it really mean they are giving up because they commit suicide?
Or is there no light in the darkness for some people?
Just like some people are gay or straight.
Just like some people are lactose intolerant.
Just like some people fucking hate dark chocolate.
Maybe some people just don't "get better" maybe, their get better is beyond this.
Or maybe there isn't anything beyond it.
It always pisses me off when people are called cowards for committing suicide.
Because I can tell you right now it takes a lot of fucking courage. A LOT.
To actually get that low that you plan on how you will do it, and how much time it will take and when you will actually take the first step to get that ball rolling.
It takes a lot of fucking courage.
If therapy or medication really worked, why do people still commit suicide? 
That's what scares me the most. 
Will my head always be this scattered?
Will I ever feel normal?
Will I ever fall back and feel like writing that final note and saying good bye for the last time?
I'm going to my first therapist appointment since the last time I tried and failed.
And I have a doctors appointment with a new PCP potentially in July....
Will the effort be worth it?
Or will I end up miserable forever?