I just haven't been....

Feeling it. I don't fit in with anyone.
All of my interactions seem forced.
I have been feeling fat because I have been eating non stop. I am always hungry.
I listen to the same sound tracks over and over again.
I come home and watch asmr videos so I don't have to think about how my work treats me like I don't matter.
So I don't have to think about my hospital bill, because I didn't get paid the whole 2 weeks I was out.
I am looking down at my stomach and I am just completely disappointed.
I go to sleep and toss and turn.
I have all these weird dreams.
I can't have sex comfortably or enjoy it really.
I don't want to hang out with anyone but I feel left out when I don't and I am home alone.
I keep getting this strange taste in my mouth like when you get salt water in your nose.
I used to feel like I was just floating outside of my body, but I feel more like I am playing a simulation of my life.
Every day is the same.
I feel worthless, useless, pointless.
But aren't we all?
Life manages to be so long and so short at the same time.
Everything and nothing.
Beginning and end.
We are all just occupying space until we cannot occupy it any more.
I feel like my brain is just stuck on the fact that we are all hopeless nothings playing pretend.
Like role playing or some sort of game.
I think to much. I can't shut it off.
I can't stand silence, my ears just ring.
My brain just doesn't stop. Always scheming and formulating.
"And you seem okay, so how about we visit once every two weeks."
Are you giving up? Am I over reacting.
Why can't I just have a normal social life and a normal job.
How different would I be if I could control how emotional I get.
How quickly I can roll off stupid shitty things.
How I can't talk to people.
How I cry whenever anything happens.
I get watery eyed whenever any one asks me what's wrong.
I just haven't been...