IAmAdrianna

I am actually really excited to go to Disney. I have been trying really hard but this weather is just so much. I am so excited to leave my icicle, I mean car and not have to drive for a week. I'm excited not to hear my name shouted across the warehouse. I'm ready to pretend I can afford this vacation....

If I even exist. I know my thoughts are real. I know what I eat or drink is real. Sometimes I get phantom tastes while eating, or smells when walking. Sometimes I hear people call my name or just shout and there isn't anyone talking to me. I feel like my skin is just so itchy all the time that I could scratch it off. Sometimes people make noises and they aren't always intentional but they still drive me CRAZY and I feel like I'm going to loose my mind and spill any bit of sense left in my head out. Sometimes I just get so angry and overwhelmed with emotion. Like my whole body gets hot and my blood boils and I begin to feel queasy. But am I ever really there? I manage to always disappear. Become invisible. Not exist. But at the same time I do want this a lot. I love silence and no priorities of anyone but me. But I guess that is selfish too.

I'm tired and drained all the time. I can hardly sleep at night. My back just kills but not catscan for me. So whatever. And we have Didney coming up and I am so scared we aren't going to be able to make rent this month because I just don't have enough with all the bills.

I am insensitive to peoples issues because my whole life it was either do it and deal with it or someone has it worse than you so deal with it. I see people in the most shittiest part of the year being the shittiest. Everyone is suddenly so entitled to everything. And everyone is so expectant. If I said half the shit that was on my mind NO ONE would talk to me because I just think that life is a joke anyway. Life is an anti-joke with no punchline. Life is an inside joke about you, for you. (this was written and never posted like a month ago.)