IAmAdrianna

And I can't put anything on this. Everyone is putting their pets but I'm sick of cleaning Everett vomit every day. It's so gross. And quite honestly, I have no clue what is getting my through this. Because I have nothing.

Going on all these adventures alone are cool and all. But I miss human connection.  I miss the butterflies and the companionship.  I just want to love and be loved. I just want a partner on crime to join me on all these stupid adventures.  Or take me on some. I just feel like this is my punishment for taking advantage of it after all those years even though it would have just ended in a fight.

Having to move scares me. I have moved so much. I just want to stay.  But I can't find a roommate. And moving out, basically means pay $700 for one small closet of a bed room where I would have to store so much of my stuff somewhere. I am panicking.

Why is it the people that I want to bother me, don't. And the people that I wish I could never see again won't leave me alone. I don't want to be alone but I really don't want to be that close to a stranger. So like... Back the fuck up. Even on a normal day.

When he got with Robin. I had the moment realizing that in a couple weeks I am 28. I have no job. I am invisible to my friends. I have so many bills to pay alone. This huge apartment alone. Where did I go wrong.

Of a "dark winter" when C*vid returns scares me. The though of  being alone anywhere is a joke.  How am I going to get a job that will allow me to work from home?  How will I get a job that will pay me what my previous job paid me? What the fuck am I gonna do about a roommate... The uncertainty is making me feel sick.

I feel fucking invisible. I could stand on my porch and jump off and hang myself and I don't think anyone would bat an eye. I thought these feelings were gone. I thought I beat them. But here they are as i sit helpless and alone in an apartment that I can't afford with no room mate because no one wants to live anywhere but Providence. And I have to sit here and be everyone's punching bag when they need it. I might get my car back tomorrow but it doesn't matter. Not like I do anything.  Not like I go anywhere. Not like anyone gives a shit if they see me or not. I have so much shit swimming around in my brain always. I really wanted to not think like this again... But here I am. Alone. It seems almost too easy. I'm trying. I really am.  I've slept almost all day after waking up and being nauseous all morning and forcing myself to eat. I am only taking food photos so people can see that I did eat and they can leave me alone. But it's fine.  No one will see this...

Only seeing a few family members. And some only because my shit luck... I'm exhausted. I have no energy left....

I feel like I'm fucking vibrating.

Every single one of you being so clueless as to how good you have it. I know there are people out there being abused and what not during this time, and I am not downplaying that.  Truthfully I would murder my abuser if I was trapped in the house with them... But I'm so hurt every single time I see people complain "I'm the only one social distancing". How about you go FUCK YOURSELF. You have room mates, house mates, partners, kids.  I have myself.  I am driving myself crazy.  I am starting to feel like I am losing it. It is so quiet in the house. In yet, if I had a room mate I'm sure I would be annoyed by them.  But at least it wouldn't be so cold and empty. I wouldn't feel so alone and lost. I wouldn't panic every time I get some sort of searing pain in my body that if I fall unconscious or worse, who knows how long it would take for someone to find me.  Everett would start to eat me before someone found me.  And that fucking hurts. I never in my life ...