Should I?

When my ex and I were together about 3 years in I was miserable. I was unsatisfied and felt unloved and unwanted. I mentioned we should go on a break and if we need to see other people. (He had already been flirting with a girl from high school on facebook at the time)

I slept with someone else. And he lost his shit.

After that i shut down. No sex. No how. And time we had sex it was because afraid to lose him. It wasnt often but when it was i never wanted to. He talked to 2 separate girls on hopes of getting them interested while with me. He used to ritualistically initiate sex every Sunday. 

Th day that he and his new fling admitted their love for each other after i just bought her ice cream and tried to start hanging out with her he initiated a blow job. And i am fucking disgusted knowing he was thinking of her.

He claimed we never spoke about anything.  All i did was try to get him to talk.

I have been playing  a scene over and over and over in my head for fucking days.

When I was t-boned in his car last summer, i tried calling him 15 times and he said he was busy making noodles. I make those all the time and you had time to pick up, so what were you doing?! But once i finally got ahold of him, the first thing he says "Where is my fucking car going." 1. I wish it were my car. 2. Sure i guess I'm fine thanks. 3. And then he was pissed off and angry the whole way home and the whole night after. It was 100% not my fault. And it was MY first accident when he's been in 3 decent ones.

But I'm supposed to be strong for everything and everyone when all i want is for someone to love me like i have tried for so long.