Conditioned.

I get nervous.
I get scared.
I get jealous.
I try so fucking hard to not let it get to me but it fucking eats away at me like termites.
I know it's so early.
I know it hasn't been long.
But I am so conditioned to having the phone be hidden.
I'm so used to someone just playing me without me even knowing.
I'm so used to someone trying to fill the void that I leave when I have a break down.
I try to not push him away.
But it's so hard when my brain just says he is lying. 
I am not lucky. 
And he is gonna leave you in the dust just like everyone else has because if they don't deserve it why should I?
It's so hard when I constantly see the messenger bubble up, and I know that no one even wants to talk to me anymore.
I am pretty unbearable.
And then I think why would anyone wanna sit here and deal with this shit. 
Why would anyone want to deal with someone who cried because he wouldn't pick toppings for food.
And I get so scared because why wouldn't he do that? 
Hell everyone else this year has done some shady stuff. 
I just feel like I don't deserve the good so I manifest the bad.
Or maybe there is bad and now that he has the anti-spy screen protector I feel like it's even more hiding for him.
And I am living openly.
I am a very open book and I am trying to trust him with every fiber of my being.
But I still feel like I'm not the only one.
I still feel like I am just going to get left behind like always. 
I am so conditioned to people using me and throwing me away that I attract it like a magnet. 
And I just want to be fucking happily in love with no chance of being scared or frightened that one day he will just find someone else who is younger and thinner. 
I know I can fall in love fast but when you feel like you have met someone that truly gets the weird madness that goes on in your brain, it's fucking incredible. 
But it gets really scary and hard to keep up the "positivity" when I just feel like I am going to get replaced when he smartens up.
But I don't want that.
I don't want to feel this paranoid all the time.