Disappear.

I wish I could pull a disappearing act.

Just long enough for people to forget about me.

I'm sick of never asking anyone for anything. 

And when I do, I end up having to wait forever or I get forgotten about, and then remembered when it's too late.

I have no motivation because my life is a shit loop.

I have a nannying job that is inconsistent as all hell so I wouldn't even call it that. 

I can barely pay rent.

And I hate it here. 

It's cold, the water from upstairs drips on my window driving me crazy, they are loud, the bathroom is a shit show and I have to open the window in the mf winter to let the steam out, and this area is such garbage. Stolen packages, nail in my tire ect. 

The walls ache with sadness.

And they remind me that a year later, no roommate. 

Just Everett and I. 

Still can hardly pay bills. 

Fatter, again. 

And the one person that brings me true joy and bliss has his own job and life, so I have to leave that for a few days.

All people do is use me.

They take advantage. 

Everything I do, I have to keep everyone else in mind. 

I try and do something for myself and it just becomes impossible.

Or it gets pushed back in my face later.

And all these "friends" who still care but I can see they really don't. But you'd think they would want to hear both sides of the story before deciding.

Or the friends who show up only when you are teetering because they feel bad.

But right now I don't need any of that. 

Because none of that is going to help.

Requiring me to do anything isn't going to help.

I'm sick of being within shouting distance of my family. 

Everyone thinks it's okay to just drop by or call and to show up right away.

Like I just want to stay home and not talk to people that hurt my brain.

Everyone is just so draining.

And I am drained.