IAmAdrianna

There I said it. I'm underpaid, under appreciated. I keep getting stuck with people who don't care about any of this. And I'm constantly expected to keep going above and beyond for nothing. I have never felt so poorly about myself ever. Thanks to my job. I will never be able to move out because I'm legitimately going crazy right now.

Listen to Linkin Park. I know it's stupid but when I was young and my depression was more simple that music was playing many a crying lonely time when I could express it enough because it wasn't valid. I would scream the words from the top of my lungs feeling symbiotically alone with everything and it was okay. Knowing those words came from someone who has fallen on those words, it is so bitter. It is so hard. Because I don't know if I should call it strength, or will power or what. I don't know if his actions were negative or positive and it makes me question a lot. I'm so conflicted about my worth. I don't want to live but I don't want to die. One day will I gain the courage to be a coward? Will I gain the strength to be weak? Call it what you want. But the feeling never goes away. Ever.

If I complain about the boy playing guitar he gets all mad. But I literally cannot stand the sound of you playing the wrong notes and trying to learn stuff. It's like when the boy gets annoyed when I don't listen to a whole song. But worse. But you literally had a half hour yesterday, all day Saturday and Sunday and probably this Saturday and Sunday as well. And I'll probably be home everyday. Because heaven forbid you could at least sit and watch TV with me. I fucked up and I know it. I never really appreciated the leg rubs or the cuddles. Now I'm just always alone finding any bit of solace in my cell phone. Because like literally everyone else in my life doesn't give a shit about me why should I bother., It must be a crime to ask you to put head phones on. Or like play a whole song instead of you just playing the same part over and over again one note off every time. I remember when I used to like playing. Then like most things it became a chore My fingers a...

I try so hard to just do things. Yes I complain but I do them. How is it that no matter what I do, no matter how much effort I put in I am never enough for anyone. Why can't I just fucking matter for once? I'm so sick of being ignored except when people need things from me. No one really gives a shit. I'm so over all of this. The days are fucking ticking down.