IAmAdrianna

I have a lot of trouble relating to things because I have never had the experience. I don't do things, go places or have people. I don't have like catastrophic deaths or people I really love. I never was allowed to make bonds like that as a kid. My childhood best friend? She put me down and basically told me I wasn't good enough because I was younger than her. Then one birthday party my mom put her video camera down and in that video we saw her take my game boy and put it in her purse. So what a good best friend. All other friends literally just forgot I existed just simply because I couldn't go any where. Any deaths I have have been people I knew in their "decrepit" stage so I feel like I wasn't as effected by it. But because of that I feel like I'm so emotionally detached from life, and more attached to fake characters or just not real situations and those bug me. But maybe that's why I'm so distant. I just don't understand.

People say this a lot. Being set up to fail is being put in a situation where you have no chance of success. People say you can always turn things around but if you are set up to fail, how are you supposed to turn it around? How are you supposed to make things easier for yourself if someone decided to chose hardcore mode on your life. Am I destined to fail? Am I destined for this up and down bullshit everyday for as long as I live? I am just having such a difficult time getting though anything, Am I destined to be miserable and mediocre until I die?

Everyday something new hurts. Everyday I feel more sick. Everyday I have a new issue. I can't go to the gym because my body just hurts. My elbows, my wrists, my ankles, my feet. It all hurts. Potential bigger issues but I don't even have time to make a doctors appointment or even go to one. FUCK.

I accepted a new position. With more responsibility and more stress. I got thrown in and people were doing things all wrong so it didn't matter anyway because I barely got trained. I can't make a doctors appointment. I can't make a therapist appointment. My car has a bunch of shit wrong with it and needs to be detailed on the inside. No time. How the fuck am I supposed to do anything? And then I feel bad when I can't hang out or do anything with any one because I am to drained. I just wish I was dead everyday because I can't live anyway..

Ever. It's always the same shit at a different time. I want to find a new therapist but I also want to give up. I can't do this. I can't keep this up everyday... The ups and downs and up and downs are killing me. My job is making me feel like I'm not enough and I don't know what to do. Everyone is just so nasty and hateful. I can't do anything right. I just wish I was dead. I wish someone would just run me off the road and kill me. Maybe if this keeps up I will grow the courage to find a way to just make it all stop.