IAmAdrianna

As long as this month has seemed, I feel like it FLEW by. We found an apartment. I need to clean it. It is so dirty in the bathroom. I don't want to move in until we do. I haven't saged the place. And I am HORRIFIED. I haven't had anytime to do anything really. I can't pack. I really can't. Here is some lipstick, nail polish, chapstick, a face mask, a necklace, pin backs, a glove, 1 sock, a cat tag. And then I have to find where this all goes, even though it doesn't have a designated spot. I am StReSsEd. And Mike is like LETS MOVE NOW EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T HAVE THE BILLS SWITCHED OVER YET. Like dude. Relax though. I don't know. I'm a fucking mess. As per usual. I only had one breakdown this week.

Think that we aren't getting that place. They are moving people into the 2nd floor downstairs. How. He still has a cast iron tub on porch for christ's sake. But they are moving in. With a baby. This place isn't lead tested. And here we are waiting for potentially nothing. And I am not supposed to be upset or nervous as time is ticking away on March 17th... If they can move in, we should be able to.

How about no. How about the fact that I told you one thing, and you 100% disregarded it. How about the fact that I am 1 person, with one set of eyes and hands. I CANNOT WRANGLE 6 PEOPLE AND THEN HAVE YOU EXPECT TO DO IT ALONE BECAUSE YOU YELL AT ME ANY TIME I DO ANYTHING. Make decisions on your own. BUT NOT THOSE ONES. You are doing well. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. Don't you dare EVER make it seem like my stress is getting in the way when it is because you didn't follow simple directions.

I just feel like a ball of tin foil in a microwave. Everyday is a fucking test. I swear I cannot handle this. I have no time. I ate dinner at 8pm again last night... I just feel like I cannot keep up. Still no word from the apartment folks so who knows maybe on top of me not getting the position I will also not get the apartment because if there is any inkling of what this year will be like that will be a good 3rd chapter I suppose. AND ALL MY WORK PLAYS IS FUCKING ARIANA GRANDE AND I CAN'T. I can't even have working headphones. AND THEN on top of all of this I am the worst friend and I cannot help her with her bills. I have given her any extra money I could. And I feel helpless because if I didn't buy any green stuff or if I just didn't eat so much, or just skip meals when I don't have one, maybe I would be more wealthy and skinny. Maybe if I didn't waste my money on makeup that will not get me anywhere but "wow nice pic" on instagram. I waste so m...

I like it, but I don't LOVE it, but it isn't bad. And its about what we need. So it works. It adds more time to my drive which sucks. I'm closer to 1 of my walks and farther from the other now. But whatever I guess. I'm just anxious.

Had to throw away like 80 bucks at the Bruins game last night. And then spent the entire night evacuating every thing from my body in any way possible. My entire body feels like its angry.

Why am I the dumbest piece of shit..

Going to look at an apartment, being all excited.... Then getting there and there are like 22 steps to the first floor and no other way in. There is no off street parking just a 3 car garage that people have to share.  There was a fucking cockroach on the floor upon walking in. THIS ISN'T EVEN A BAD AREA WHAT. But the apartment was FILTHY. I KNEW IT. I had all these dreams we had to rush to move in and everything was dirty. Like the sink in the kitchen, the cabinets, the bathroom everything, the stove, the fridge! The pantry door is broken, there is a CRACKED window. Double pain, CRACKED. But that is fine, that probably isn't wasting any heat. But it was big, good size to fit a table in and by additional islands. 2 decent sized rooms and a double parlor. We would have our own front entrance when it isn't snowing, and a small amount of back yard. Dude didn't know how much the pet deposit was or anything. The company itself has no communication. I don't know, if ...

Words are just noises and mouth sounds Echoes and escalations Brought to you by tonality and inflection And that's what leads to a bad impression That pink mush in your head must be good for something Think before the sewage seeps from your mouth like a leaky faucet Wasting breath and wasting time Wasting thoughts that really don't mean anything Sounds are just sounds even when they pour from your mouth Words are just made up anyway Just individuals playing with their imagination And in the end, doesn't it all mean nothing?

In a rotation Nothing ever changes Like a clock always meeting the familiar numbers The door revolving from entrance to exit Rotating and spinning Like the carnival ride you try to spin till you puke Like the porcelain ballerina dancing in a circle in the jewelry box Always meeting back at the same point Always coming right back But there is not beginning There is no start You just get sucked in like a bag being sucked up under your car as you drive over it or the pot hole you couldn't avoid Sucked into a rotation like you ever had a say or choice

Here I am every day struggling to do my best and then everyone just exists and doesn't even have to think. I am sick of thinking. It doesn't get me anywhere. It just gets me 20 days of waiting to find out if I am getting a position switch. Thinking gets me struggling to to look for a new apartment. Struggling to get anywhere or do anything. I can't even remember where I put my god damn headphones yesterday after coming from my walk and going right to rehearsal. Rehearsal for people who should have practiced some of this previous to this night because these people only live together... But its fine, another night of eating dinner at 8:30 so I wake up UNGODLY hungry in the morning and then drink this shitty disappointing excuse for coffee at work.  Tonight we are going to look at an apartment that now has 2 showings. I am hoping that this one is it. If not the next one. But nothing else is popping up. Not even the guy I emailed 3 times, like dude, you would have gotten ...

I just feel fuzzy. My head is warbly and static-y. Noises are loud and disorienting. I feel like I'm dreaming.  Or like the feeling you feel when you get woken up from a dream.  And then you are just groggy and confused.  Or like when you take too many sleeping pills and have a sleepy hangover the next day.  I don't know what is going on. My chest feels heavy. And I feel like I am just stuck inside a fucking nightmare.