IAmAdrianna

No I am not okay right now. Has this been inevitable for weeks? You betcha. Did the career conversations thing that I do at work really hit the nail on the head and sent me spiraling? Probably. But not because of work. Because of me. My own worth and value as a friend, a family member is all nothing. I don't want to have friends anymore because at the end of the day we don't really care about anyone but ourselves. It is hard for me to find friendship and be able to maintain a work/home balance. And without my career I could be back at the boy's parents house. And I won't do that again. I'm just sad always. I never go anywhere or do anything. I don't see anyone or if I do its during Rocky or I have to literally drive 30-40 minutes to see anyone and I know that is the same for me so I can't even be angry about it. I have no control over my own life. Even my days off and vacations are always devoted to other people. I wanted to go out and do mushr...

She wants to hang out. She is going to either tell me Vo is dying Or she is having a baby.

I feel like I am just floating through life. Like a damp mist. People know I'm there but I quickly evaporate and then you dry off. Work, home, life. Any where. I just hardly exist. My will to try is worthless and meaning less because it isn't enough. I just want to disappear for real instead of fading back and forth.

My stomach hurts like 95% of the time. Some times I am incredibly nauseous. I hate vomiting, it hurts and its gross. Luckily for me, my nausea is a little different. And I'm just constantly in the bathroom. I keep getting up and its like the walk of shame to the bathroom. And sometimes it is a waste. So I am trying not to waste my time. But like what the fuck else can I do when I can't even go home. I have no boss here. Like what....

The division of taxation about a huge bill I cannot afford. How do I ask to get out of the office and take a phone call. I really wish I could just work from home one day so i could just sit on my phone and wait.

Today I just feel like I am trapped in molasses. In a jello mold with  no where to go. I woke up feeling sick. And this entire weekend the only thing I was thinking about it how under qualified I am for this job and how I will never be enough for any one. My eyes are heavy, my stomach is sick. I just want to lay in bed for a week. I would have laid in bed all day yesterday if I could.

"I can't see where you comin' from But I know just what you runnin' from And what matters ain't the, who's baddest but The ones who stop you fallin' from your ladder, baby feel like you feelin' now I'm doin' things just to please your crowd When I love you like the way I love you And I suffer, but I ain't gonna cut you 'cause This ain't no place for no hero This ain't no place for no better man This ain't no place for no hero To call home This ain't no place for no hero This ain't no place for no better man This ain't no place for no hero To call home Every time I close my eyes, I think I think about you inside And your mother, givin' up on askin' why Why you lie, and you cheat, and you try to make A fool outta she I can't see where you comin' from But I know just what you're runnin' from And what matters ain't the, who's baddest but the Ones who stop you fallin' from...

Getting fined $715 dollars for being stupid and not knowing how to do my taxes or something. Nothing like kicking me down.... Not for nothing, everyone thinks I got this massive raise for this position.... But ya'll are forgetting the COW is broke. No one is getting paid right. And this day is just DRAGGING ON.

The boy works with someone whose S.O makes a shit ton of money. Like the house, the kid, the cars the vacations all because of her. I have tried to work my way up, doing all different things everywhere to try to make money. I am trying to be this person. I'm going to have to make even more sacrifices including probably limiting or eliminating my dog walks. It has been like my mini therapy that keeps me busy. Sure, it does make me money. But if my "career" is my focus I cannot do both. How will I be able to support myself and someone else. How will I ever be able to afford a house, pay off my car, live my life. I already feel like the world is on my weak little shoulders. Now I feel like my knees are giving out because I don't have the strength to keep holding everyone else up or else I will fall too.... But there is no US. It is just you or me. And lately I have been getting sharp random pains all over my legs. Like I am being stuck with a pin. So that's cool.