IAmAdrianna

 Therapy, meds, nothing is different the usual. Got bit by a dog, have hole in my shoe, can't jump for long, or stand on it for too long. Still bruised to high hell. And I didn't want to sue because it is the owner not the dog. But it isn't worth it. And these people are sketchy as fuck.  But I should have. I am in constant pain. Amoxicillin gave me so much itch and so much rash.  I started going back to the gym and it's fucking hard. Joey and I cannot fucking find apartments and I don't really want to move to Mass, but I don't want to stay in RI forever either, nor do I want him to move from his job. My job is a joke. I am not getting paid, basically on call, but working VERY part time because of the hours needed. And they tried to fuck me on taxes. So basically my life has been one big fucking joke since honestly too long. I am so tired of fighting to live. If I want to kill myself I am selfish and horrible. If I want to kill myself the world goes "OH NO ...

Working and being expected to be available at the drop of a hat, when I don't even get paid. And the longer I do this the longer I feel like I should be getting paid more. Dealing with animals on top of this is just too much. This isn't fair.  I deserve to at least be able to pay my bills...

Like V active. Lot's of stiff happening. Very vivid. Even the smells. One part of my dream that I couldn't tell my partner. He proposed to me in the dream. With this super cool pewter looking twisted ring.  Like what the fuck even. I don't think we will ever really be married. I honestly would be shocked if we moved in together. But I have no one to tell these things too so basically fuck me.

So alone. Tired. But can't sleep. Don't need someone to talk to. I feel like I need to be unborn. I don't want to keep going through this every couple years. I clearly am never escaping this loop. And clearly no one is really going to ever treat or diagnose my problems so I can fix them. I really. Really. Really do not want to be here anymore 

It is simply amazing that since September of 2019 (tbh July was the start) my life has been a fucking whilrwind.  With the horrible things came some good things, and also some blessings in disguise.  8.5 years of my life, down toilet. Countless doctors, therapists all told me the same thing. Maybe I truly wasn't ready, but none of them wanted to tell me what I really needed to hear.  I guess at least I missed out on being apart of one of the most exausting families to exsit in. Full of addiction and just absolutley heartless people.  And at least I am a nanny and not squeezing out a kid with a sociopath.  At least I own up to having issues, I just cannot find anyone to listen and help take me seriously. Being a nanny is great and pretty fullfilling, more so during the warmer months but still.  But I can't do this forever.  And I feel like I can't get a job because every job I have ever had has made me wish I was dead.  And I cannot keep killing my...

 If you would have told me I would be living alone in 2022, freezing in a house with my poor cat who doesn't deserve this, never getting paid for working in yet still trying to scrounge up money for rent and bills. All my money goes to living in that shithole. Or trying to make crafts and things that just fail.  All I do is fail. I can't be positive and happy when it's just never enough. Because I can't pay my rent because I simply wish it so, I can't make it warmer in my house with a shiny attitude. You try and get anything acomplished when the world around you has you trapped in quicksand. You try getting anything acomplished when you just can't catch a break and everything around you is too high up to reach. I have been reaching out and every rope I grab just falls like I am being tricked. Like I am being suckered in. I go home every day after work, sometimes I come back but most times now I go home and just get high and get lost in TV because my life feels s...