IAmAdrianna

I can't sleep, all I do is work, I just want to eat everything in sight but then I'm always nauseous, I don't ever have time to shower, I can't even orgasm for christ's sake. I never get a break. I can never just relax. I can never just live and do what I want. I have to wake up early, go somewhere for 10+ hours that doesn't care about me. Come home to a boy who doesn't know how to care for me. And then I lay down at night, toss and turn to fall asleep. Then before I know it my alarm is going off and I'm at it again. I get to watch everyone else slack off and have a good time and then here I am. Miserable. And then its all on me when I don't answer people back, when I don't go anywhere social during these weeks, when I don't make plans because I'm never sure about the future. This is all too much. I can't even go to the doctor because most places close before I get out of work. And I need to go. My body is just falling apart and I...

And now I'm one step away from just losing my mind completely. I can't keep up and I don't know what to do.

I can't be multiple people when I don't even want to be myself. No one cares about me anyway so why do i have to be enough for everyone. Why do I have to be more than everyone. And I can't even get people to tell me I'm wrong. I can't even get the littlest bit of support. Because not even my home wants me. I just hope one day I will grow the balls to just leave this world that clearly doesn't want me in it.....

Want to feel like I matter. Like I'm useful and loved. I'd be better off dead clearly.

"You can do anything you want. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything." And what did we do? We fought back against these beasts who have crossed lines and gone too far. They will never hide. They will never run. They will be forever punished for the atrocities they have committed. Let's not forget to grab back.

Yesterday, I set up a 401k plan at my work. Yesterday, when she was talking about being more aggressive to help yourself get more money for the future, I realized I'm probably not going to retire. I'm not going to need that money. Because at any moment i could break down and lose control. I over work myself and I have nothing to show for it. It makes me feel so worthless and invalidated. I'm just about ready to give up.

I love my sister. Don't get me wrong. But I wish she would LIVE with her fiance before she would marry him.  That's really how you get to know someone. Because if you can't live with them you can live without them. And here I am going on 7 years. And I only received 1 piece of jewelry, and it was a Frank'n'furter necklace.... Not that I don't appreciate it but when is my turn? I'm trying really hard to be supportive of my sister but I'm scared she is rushing and not living with him first is a very poor choice.... I wish the best for her. And I am so hopeful she can prove my fears wrong. I just don't want her to rush into things.... Everyone is always in such a rush. But today she mentioned how she would throw the bouquet. And she is like "you could catch it".. But what would be the point? I will never get married so YOLO.  

Everyone needs to put the breaks on and sit down for a minute here. "con·sent kənˈsent/ noun 1 . permission for something to happen or agreement to do something. "no change may be made without the consent of all the partners" synonyms: agreement ,  assent ,  acceptance ,  approval ,  approbation ;  permission ,  authorization ,  sanction ,  leave ;  backing ,  endorsement ,  support ;  informal go-ahead , thumbs up,  green light ,  OK "the consent of all members" synonyms: agree to, assent to, yield to, give in to, submit to;  allow , give permission for,  sanction ,  accept ,  approve , go along with "she  consented to  surgery"" You as an adult have a responsibility to respect everyone. Including boundaries. verb 1 . give permission for something to happen. "...

I am not the person you want to come to. I don't put up with people undermining others for no reason. People who don't have a place thinking they do. We are all doing things for the same reason, so we can work together and respect each other or we can keep constantly stepping on toes and making it difficult. If you want to do something, you will do everything in your power to do it, right?  You won't constantly change plans or make things even more difficult to get things done. You'll be understanding and helpful. When you show little to no support of others and expect praise, miracles and whatever else you expect because I don't even know what is expected when you act like that. There is no need to make a mountain out of an ant hill. Especially when you don't even live in the ant hill. I'm just so sick of watching others getting stepped all over because no one has ever told any one NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO  A word no one ever h...

how hard you work. It's not about showing up on time everyday. It's not about how much you talk on your phone and get distracted and run to the bathroom for 10 minutes. WRONG. THAT IS SO WRONG. It should totally be all about that. Not how your personality is.  People are two faced and really good at lying.   Especially if you are clearly qualified. It should not be up to personality unless they are really disrupting. But what do I know?

I am mean. I know this. I tell people like it is. I don't consider myself negative, I consider myself realistic. If you ask me if the glass is half empty or half full, I will ask you what is in the glass. I think there are excuses to change my answer. I don't want to sugar coat anything and that get's me into trouble. I'm sorry I'm not like everyone else. And I will never be. I can never ever tell people what they want to hear because I don't know what anyone wants to hear.  I can't read anyone lately because someone is always hot an bothered about something. I know I will never fit in with anyone. I will never really have a group of friends. I will just be myself here alone with the occasional visitor that has more negative things than good.  I'm just here.

I mostly talk about my garbage mental state. But I don't talk about my body. How I know it's getting older. And how I know I can't get more fit because my body won't allow me too. My elbows constantly hurt. Just dull aching pain. My wrists always feel the same. My ankles feel constantly strained. Which then shoots up into my shins and knees. My knees pop and crack. And they have now been cracking whenever I go down stairs. And it's just making things more painful when I walk, sit or stand. I constantly have awful heartburn. Nausea, stomach aches. These stomach aches keep popping up over anything. My back, my shoulders. Everything hurts. I have headaches every day. But you don't hear me say much. Because it's not going to matter. It's just another excuse. It made the gym so difficult. It makes my job, my life, my hobbies everything. Just so painful. But I won't say too much. And I will keep doing things even though I know I shouldn't. 

I mean I am never home. Whether it is my intention or not. Between Rocky, work, practice and general getting things done I'm never home. I haven't had a free Saturday in a month. I've been working 9-10 hour days even when not asked because there is so much work to do. It's not fair. And if I say no to overtime, it's a double edged sword because that makes it seem like I don't want to work. But I need a fucking break. Even yesterday, I felt like death so I called out. I still ran around like a maniac trying to get clearance Halloween stuff. And I know I didn't have too but there was a few things that I know I would need. Rocky is like my child, it keeps me going. I have fun, I don't think about anything else when I'm on that stage and I always find a little release when I'm on stage. But I'm so sick of having to over work myself because we are understaffed, weather, or holidays. Don't bother giving us the days off if we will have to ove...