IAmAdrianna

I just want to go home, sleep and disappear.

Like a fucking culture shock it keeps hitting me as I sit here alone. If I deserved all this wondrous stuff everyone keeps talking about, where is it? "Real love is hard to come by. So you learn to cope without it." Friends, family, significant others, You always have to learn to cope with it. That's all you can do. That and try not to cry like a little bitch because you are a lonely sad sack of garbage that manages to have people drooling all over you. And it's never anyone I would want. EVER. I just am not attracted to them and can't help it. I just want to be special to someone again.... Why is that so much to ask for?

" Thought I found a way Thought I found a way, yeah (found) But you never go away (never go away) So I guess I gotta stay now Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here Even if it takes all night or a hundred years Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near Wanna feel alive, outside I can fight my fear Isn't it lovely, all alone? Heart made of glass, my mind of stone Tear me to pieces, skin to bone Hello, welcome home Walkin' out of town Lookin' for a better place (lookin' for a better place) Something's on my mind Always in my headspace But I know some day I'll make it out of here Even if it takes all night or a hundred years Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near Wanna feel alive, outside I can fight my fear Isn't it lovely, all alone? Heart made of glass, my mind of stone Tear me to pieces, skin and bone Hello, welcome home Woah, yeah Yeah, ah Woah, woah Hello, welcome home"

Invisible Forgotten I guess I never mattered to any of you/ them anyway

With a promise of a new relationship. One that I can finally be happy in. But apparently I ask for too much. I keep saying I want the holidays to be over. But I just want to the certainty that I may find love soon. My heart it too full.

I feel bad being the way I am sometimes But I just don't know what to do sometimes. Do I wanna spend the whole time sleeping? No. But I don't feel like I am wasting my time or anything I would just rather spend it doing other things Getting to know each other more or just spending mutual time together But ten days away from everyone is gonna be different I'm just blah right now

Make plans Plans change And never in my favor Like what the fuck I will just drive all fucking over.

This is where my tree would go if I felt like I gave a shit. But instead the holidays are making me feel lonlier than ever. And I can't help but wonder if I deserve it. Because clearly wearing my heart on my sleeve is making people uncomfortable. I hate dating apps. I hate being Demi and then falling for people I can never have. Why bother. Fuck Christmas.

I've always wanted to go to Lasalette, stare at all the beautiful lights. Go to the beach and watch the sun set and rise. Sit in the house for a full day in the nude sharing favorite movies. Making everyday and adventure. Someone to share the adventure with. I've gone on some trips. But the adventure has yet to begin.

For a 4th consecutive year I will not have a New Year's kiss. At least being single is my excuse this year. 😐

You want all the attention? Like if I'm not being texted I feel like I don't matter. Why is this? What can I do to not feel like this? I really like this guy. But this whole not texting me back thing is a little weird. I know I'm paranoid. I know I'm neurotic. But I just want certainty for once. Hell I don't even know if I will be able to stay in this apartment. No roommate, no way. I want to tell myself it's going to be fine, but I am lonely, scared and anxious. I feel like I have lost control and I have no constant in my life. I don't want to move again. I don't want to be scared. I don't want to be anxious. I don't want to be alone.

I was alone for the passed 4 years. Who was I kidding. Everything felt like a struggle and when we were there, you certainly didn't have fun. That is all I have wanted is a partner in crime. And now, I am free, outta jail. And I can't find one damn person who will join me. Everyone is so scared to commit or make any decisions about life. Meanwhile it took me 2 years to decide what stickers to put on my car... Its just hard when the past 3 years I looked around every New Years to everyone smiling, laughing, hugging, kissing, and then there was me sipping my drink or champagne. That fucking feels so bad. All I want is love. Love is a many splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love. I spent so long with someone who would never love me. I hate dating. I get attached and then dropped. I know I am not the only one going through things but at least go through it with someone else. I'm sick of being alone all the time. I just want a partner in crime....

I feel like I just should be alone. Because I am clearly too much for anyone to handle. But everyone else seems to get the affection and love they deserve. What the hell did I do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve the lies and the chaotic disaster that is the move out. She called him a coward, and I hope she meant it. They are both disgusting people. In yet, they are happy as pigs in shit. Meanwhile I am telling myself that I should just be alone because no one would ever give me the time of day. Except at work, that is all I get is thirsty men. Christmas is fucking killing me right now. I just want to throw up. I'm so alone. I miss decorating the tree and taking holiday card photos. I miss rolling over and feeling warmth to cuddle no matter what time of night. The "Hi how are you's" to the silly snapchats just because. Instead I am pouring my heart into people who don't really want to do anything more than go on dates. Wasting time with people who ...