IAmAdrianna

Topsy turvy A world flipped upside down Routine is a thing of the past Everything is blurry Familiarity down the drain Selective safety Unsure and never knowing A crisis unaverted Normalizing and critizing All becoming nothing Meaningless and empty The reality is arising A crisis becoming the only day to day consistancy And there is nothing left to cling too

I keep getting told the same nonsense. I wanted to kill myself not to long ago. Everyday I have a battle with that person. I have to sit here and tell myself that I can't and should be thinking like that. I have to sit here and tell myself that I'm crazy to be thinking like that and shouldn't. The only routine I have been able to keep up with is walking the dog, taking a daily shower. And doing the dishes. Not to say I wasn't lazy because I cleaned some shit out of my fridge that made me queasy. But I am so fucking lost. The little bit of "connection" that I had has long since gone. I already felt so distant. Now I am even more distant.

This is why I don't ask to see people. This is why I don't ask to hang out. This is why I don't make plans. I make plans and then everyone breaks them. I could have spent all day in my PJ's. And instead I got all ready, knowing totally that I was getting ready for nothing. When I say don't go out of your way, and then you say you aren't and you miss me. Then today you forget? Just don't lie. I'm tired of playing this game. Why does everyone just want to play games. You don't need to be selfish to someone who is selfless. I just want someone to fucking love me god damn it. Hell I would even take someone to like me enough to not bull shit me like this.

I had a platonic best friend roomate that could help keep me sane in times like this? Sometimes I think it would just be nice to live with someone you are close with in a friendly way. Everett is driving me crazy. I wish the other two rooms weren't empty. FUCK.

Albeit, I will fix the spelling and grammar... "We are all ponds to death. Death is our God. We live by his command, he takes us and plays with us like marionette puppets. we are taught to basically survive as long as possible and that's it you try not to die, you try and you try and people try to save you from dying. You can't die, life's too short but time is relative." Still applies.

👏🏻👏🏻 If you're having a shitty time clap your hands 👏🏻👏🏻 If you thought you were alone and now you're even more alone If you're having a piss poor time clap your hands 👏🏻👏🏻

Now I am stuck somewhere in between:  LEAVE ME ALONE AND FORGET I EXIST! or I'M SO FUCKING LONELY AND DESPARATE FOR CONTACT BECAUSE I LEGIT FEEL LIKE MY LONLIENESS IS PERMANENT.

If my separation wasn't just soley based on my PIP. It was also based on the idea of downsizing and ensuring they don't have to pay someone to keep them accountable. And realistically, historically I don't really quit. I wait till things quit on me. But I usually always have a back up plan. Except now. And I feel like I am just on my back floating in open water. Vulnerable. Scared. Unfamiliar. Unnoticed. Abandoned. Alone. And all I can do is float and splash around until I find land, or a ship, or something or something eats me.

I hate this shit.

It's like my life has just slowly fallen apart. Like threads unraveling. Everything that I knew. Everything that was familiar. It's all gone. in 6 months my life has changed so drastically. And I feel like I am being pushed on a swing and I can't get off. Someone is spinning me in the tea cups and I feel so queasy. I just want to be able to grab on to something. And part of me knows, I would have probably not done this for myself. I would have probably kept myself in this position because I don't want to quit. Because I fear and loath being called a quitter or being called lazy. But now I have to build everything back up from scratch and I'm completely alone. And it's really fucking scary.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYGY26FR85XQE1sIPXZqZvw Trying to upload at least every two days if not more. https://onlyfans.com/candycorn6

This "separation" was about my mental health. That's not fair.

All the worst parts of life are all I have. I know this is all not happening for me because of me and I'm selfish to even think like this. But how the fuck can I keep surviving like this? How is it that it's safe enough for me to go to work. But not safe enough to see anyone? It's not safe enough to even go to the fucking doctor's. How come I have to go into work everyday and they don't give a shit about us. I thought moving to quality was going to be better but now I feel like we are not mitigating any risk and we are making it worse. Part of me wants to get it. Part of me knows I will be fine. The other part of me just wants to give in to it. And that part is what is scaring me the most. This is like when you stayed home from school and your mom told you "If you're too sick for school you are too sick for video games.". I just have nothing to look forward too except the occasional seeing people. Now fucking what.

Why is online dating OBSESSED with The Office. It's almost like the months leading up to the break up I was preparing to date.

I got put on a performance improvement plan at work. Fuck this. I don't know what I'm doing and neither does anyone else. And all people keep doing is ignoring me and blowing me off. I can't do anything. Everyone has control over everything I do and I can't fucking win.

Finding the will to live. After all this time. And life keeps dragging and yanking and pulling you down.

I feel like my standards must be too high. All I ask is that you don't have a beard, you don't smoke cigarettes, you don't have any shirtless photo's or snapchat filter photos, don't regularly get drunk, or need to tell the world that you drink or are 420 friendly. I don't know. I am having a really tough time with this all.

I want to be excited to go home and see someone after I've had a shit day at work. I want to have someone to grab on too in the middle of the night when I am shivering. I want to have someone to cook for. I want to have someone to go on adventures with. I want someone to hold me when I'm crying because I feel like I am losing it. I want someone who will sing with me, dance with me, laugh with me. Not give a care in the world because we actually care about each other. Some one who will get weird with me. But someone who also wouldn't mind getting overly fancy just because. I feel like I'm just going to be alone for ever or everyone's extra partner. I fucking hate going to sleep alone every night.