IAmAdrianna

I have been dealing with this shit for like 6 or 7 years. It keeps me up. Even this morning I could feel it flaring up. What am I eating. What am I doing? It was better when I went to the gym and was eating better. But I am having a lot of trouble cooking for just me. I make way too much, or buy way too much and throw everything out....

My back pain kept me up all night so I slept like shit. And it was beautiful out today. And I slept.

I am terrified. I am terrified that we are going to be locked down for a year. I'm not going to be able to find a job to work remotely so I will end up working somewhere high risk. I'm even more terrified I'm just going to be alone forever. If I can't date or go out and meet people then I am just going to be alone. I feel like I have nothing left in my life. Everything has been taken except the roof over my head, Everett and all the shit that I have that I actually worked my ass off for. I don't know. I have been ruminating about how bull shit everything is and how if I deserve all this love and happiness why do I go to bed in the fetal position every night wishing that there was someone else in my bed. Why is that when I feel like I need a push, for someone to help keep me accountable I just have myself? Why is it that I am the one who ended up all alone when all I did was try to do my best and it came back and bit me. I am going to be alone forever. I fucking m...

I called it "Why I am single.". That felt bad. So I changed it to why dating apps suck.... I still am not totally sure how I feel about it and honesty I'm not sure if it is even going to go over well because it isn't even funny. It's just sad.

No one has wanted to play with me. But everyone has been playing with each other. Cool shit.

and then delete it because you are posting an unsolicited opinion that is going to attract more unsolicited opinions and then you will have drama and none sense. I will just keep my mouth shut.

And then I think to myself: "Oh not everyone is as lonely as you because they have people they care about with them at all times so I am the least of their worries."

I have a lot of weird view counts on these posts. I'm genuinely curious who is spying, Who actually gives a shit, Or if I have been writing an online journal on top of my physical ones for bots. Or who is just here to maliciously watch me squirm because my life is a natural disaster.

In your life that wasn't really there for long. But the whole time they were there they impacted you. Whether it was the time spent together or the time apart trying to figure out why people are the way that they are. I know it's me because I read too much into things but I feel like I deserve to and I should. Because it's only fair for my sake. I know I shouldn't waste anymore tears on people who have shown me that they just cannot be there for me but it doesn't make me feel any different in the long run. I am just part of everyone's game. And in the end I will probably end up alone and miserable.

Being alone. I have been chatting with someone since February and that has been a whirlwind of things. Some amazing, some well lets just say it's a lot of bullshit for something that isn't defined anyway. But at the end of all of it, I'm still alone. I feel like 75% of these dating app folks are poly or don't know what poly really is and are actually just open. These people already have a plethora of partners. And I can't even find one person who would actually, like be there for me all the time, not just when they have the time for you because they are busy or have a primary partner. I just feel like everyone is so lost and I am just waiting for people to catch up. How the FUCK do you know that you want kids but just want "something casual"? And then I meet these people who are more headstrong than me, And I didn't even know that was possible. But I never have that connection with those people. I never feel like I want to push forward and...

My anxiety builds like stacking blocks suds in the bubble bath water boiling baking soda and vinegar Whatever other volatile explosion type situation you can think of I hit the point where I can't take it any more. Then it all comes out, even if I don't mean it too Just spills out and pours over And I say everything Even the things I should just keep in my head Word vomit But if I deserve happiness why does a lot of this make me so unhappy Why do I feel like every day I am apart of some game, an NPC that has a small little side quest. And all I want is to be okay To find the love and the happiness That everyone seems to think I deserve But instead I bottle up my thoughts and feelings Keep them hidden, locked away Swallowed the key And that's why my stomach always hurts.

The metal on my porch won't stop rattling. And it's driving me insane. FML.

But I don't want to pay instacart fee's or feel like a weirdo because I can just go to the store. But it isn't me I'm worried about. And they don't know that. But like. I really don't want to go to the store.

Took down the band page and has all the photos and show fliers and I have none of them. So it feels like that whole section of my life didn't even happen because I can only find the small handful of photo's I have. And that is one of my biggest fears, losing my sanity. Forgetting and just making false memories you aren't even sure are real.

Love. Like real love. Love that no one is just settling for. It's way too much to ask.

Talking about ghosts and spooky stuff. It's a good thing I live alone. But this house has no negative energy in it. I feel very alone here.

For a grooming apprenticeship at Petsmart. They will probably not be interested like everyone else. ugh.

If you are quarantining with housemates, roommates, S.O's, you have no say in what other people can do. I'm so fucking miserable. My apartment is so empty and echoey. I just hear Everett meowing out randomly in the 2 empty rooms. He's all I have. While the rest of you get to snuggle up to your loved ones when you are cold at night. I get to snuggle myself because I am just floating through peoples lives. Forgetable. Erasable. This all just feels like a bad joke. And I did this to myself. In my past I always said in your final moments you are the only one that you have. You are the one who decides what you wear, or say or do. So no one can hold a candle over you for that. But now I am starting to see it. As the empy void fills my chest. We are all alone but we all can have someone. I mean I don't, I am not that lucky. And I really just feel like because of all of that I don't deserve anyone. I deserve to be alone during all of this. But I don't want to be ...