IAmAdrianna

Then you need to put effort in. If you want to be healthy you need to eat and drink healthy. I have lost 26 pounds since I started this job. I changed my diet completely started drinking tons of water. I only ingest 350 calories in the morning. If I was following the 1,200 calorie diet that the other doctor wanted me on its definitely helping. I think I'm going to do pole every Sunday and go to the gym whenever I can. I like the gym, but I want to find a way to get stronger and leaner. I want to lose the belly fat and the bingo wings. But with my elbow clicking and popping, its so difficult. It hurts so much. It makes me not want to go to the gym because I feel like I can't do anything and I can't. It's so discouraging. I feel like pole could help, but its very painful. My skin isn't too resilient. But I need to do something because I can't work out without a problem and that's currently my only hobby, which sucks.

If you are into self harm, try taking a pole fitness class. But I didn't go to the gym, not a good trend. But work was busy as hell.  I meet my therapist take 2 tomorrow. Hopefully I don't have to deal with another switch. I'm interested because she us hardly listed as a therapist more if a marriage counselor. Luckily for her marriage is just a dream for me. Whatever I guess, but I'm curious how this will go. I'm so sick of the ups and downs.  They are so frequent I feel like I shouldn't feel okay now. But I do. 

But I really want to kill myself. At the very end you are all alone but why should you suffer until then? Crying everyday and wondering where it all went wrong. Doubting you choices, as if that little thing you did 10 years ago would have changed your life. I know I have fucked up severely and I have hurt so many people. But know I feel my mistakes too. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. It's so hard to explain when you have one good day and then one day where the signals are so mixed you don't know what to do. When you feel like you bore your friends and they want nothing to do with you. They don't try to talk to you anymore, they don't ask to hang out because they know you won't answer or say no. But now I'm not even invited period. And I don't know why. It's gotta be my fault because you make your own luck. But if I could change myself I would. If I could make it so anytime someone gave me a dirty look it wouldn't make me fe...

We did breakfast at Mike's Coffee. I tried to not be on my phone and just look around and talk. But I feel like it goes unnoticed. I decided to go to pole fitness with a friend because Sundays are only $5. I figured getting out of the house would be good. But then I apparently took to long because I went to hang out with my friend because she was by herself anyway. To come home to an attitude after Waze decided to once again not help me and bring me through the ghetto of Providence.  I am all bruised up, I have a burn on my wrist from spins, I have a bruise in the pit of my knee from one move. I'm all fucked up right now. Even the physical pain doesn't distract me anymore.

Yesterday wasn't bad at all. I worked, came home and the boy drove to Fun Spot. I slept through Massachusetts on accident. But I was just so tired. That place was really cool even though the machines ate a lot of tokens. But the bar had Cider Boys Peach Country on draft, which was really good. I'm trying to only drink socially/only with a meal. But it was a lot of fun. However the New Hampshire Police Department sucks. We did have a little problem with the GPS on the phone on the way home, and it didn't work. Luckily the boy has a good sense of direction. But at night we turned our separate ways even after a good day. I even made him take a photo booth photo with me because we never have... What am I doing wrong...

I'm not too tired today. But I got a big coffee and I'm working on a Saturday. So not ideal but im going to try to make today a good day. The boy always wanted to go to fun spot. So that's where we are going today. I just want to be fun. And try to remind him why he is with me. Plus I think they have The Addams Family pinball, so that's fun. But I'm just kind of upset. Because I poured my heart out to a therapist and then I was told there is a conflict of interest. But it's so hard. Because I'm in this alone. The boy doesn't know how to help me. And that sucks. I don't know how to help me.

This is for you. See things from my eyes, how the world is always turned against me. These types of things would only happen to me.  Everyone else gets to be happy. They post lame status's, take all these photos together. And the boyfriends look at their girlfriends like royalty, taking candid photos and posting cute vague status's. And here we are.  I want to be the apple of your eye, the dot to your i, the cross to your t. I'm so jealous that other people get that kind of attention. I just want to feel special every once and awhile. I enjoy just sitting and enjoying content with people. Whether a show or a movie, I like being around other people for it. I want to move out, I want to live on my own/ with roommates. I want to decorate our bedroom, our bathroom, our kitchen. I want to make a life of our own. We could have our own game or movie nights, and they would be amazing.  Will I ever be as special as your music? Will I ever be loved like before? Am I asking...

Lately things have been bad. Like really bad. I have felt more distant than ever. Everyone is just abandoning me. People are putting me last and forgetting I exist.  It's so hard seeing all these people laughing and hanging out when I just feel like I don't belong with anyone. I'm not good enough, or people can't get enough out of me so they don't bother. Or maybe its them, because I get too salty and the truth is shitty sometimes. But its probably me. I watch everyone do all this great stuff that I just don't have time for because I'm always working or preparing for work. If I have acted poorly towards you I am so sorry. But I am just done bothering with people who don't care about me. Plain and simple. I have been crying or at least watery eyed for the past 2 weeks and it sucks. Every little thing makes me cry. I'm just so overwhelmed. Between trying to impress my job (which I'm currently miserably failing at), trying to go to the gym, trying ...

Hey everyone if you are reading this cool! I'm going to be starting a blog of random ramblings, things that tick me off, things that make me sad, or happy. Vagueblogging will be ever present. So yeah, enjoy or whatever.