IAmAdrianna

I know I have a few issues. It scares me a lot that in my head I think "Well you are going to Universal and Disney, places you've only dreamed of going to. Places that you never ever thought you would go to. And since that is it, you should just kill yourself when it's over with. Because you have no other point or purpose." That is horrifying, but that's where I am at right now. I'm fucking miserable dealing with the same issues and problems everyday. People are just do insanely stupid and it is ruining my life. I don't even want to bother any more with anything. I just want to go to Orlando and then die. It's not like I have a future. It's not like I will ever own my own house, or get married. It's not like I'm ever going to succeed at a job or make enough money to keep myself alive. It's not like I'm ever going to make it anywhere else other than the mediocrity of the place I live. I'm just so fucking miserable. And it...

I'm always afraid everyone is going to leave me. No one is going to love me. Everyone is just going to forget about me. Forget that I exist. And I will just be alone forever with no one to just exist with me. I just have such a hard time when people ignore me and make me feel like just some one who floats through whenever.

And its not fucking fair that it never gets treated that way.

Hopefully I am wrong, Hopefully the weather is wrong. But somehow I don't think it will be wrong. And that sucks. My one and only chance to go, and it is going to rain the whole time. Maybe because my life will never be a cliche, but I just want sunny Florida and to go to Disney and Universal and NOT get drenched. Please mother nature don't do this to me.

It's hard when you feel everything I feel the leaves falling the weather changing the dog barking or the little kid in the store crying for a new toy I cannot explain it, like you can't explain  why you like a certain food Imagine for a second Being able to feel everyone's emotions and your own at the same time Imagine if the one person that should accept you when your world is crumbling down around did not, or did no't know how Imagine that my world was everyone's world and I do not know how to make it so I will not have the weight of the world on my shoulders I have a hard time appreciating things until they are gone Is it too much to ask for a future;  in a world where you are afraid you could not deal with all the noise In my world, in all worlds I need some support  It is just impossible to try and explain And I feel as though I should not have to make an excuse But it's also impossible to explain why I feel invalidated all the time Because ...

I can't try anymore than I already am. I could be like one of the others and "do something" about it. But I will sit here and take it. They say " Good things come to those who wait "... Tick. Tock. I have done my waiting. All these crummy jobs, all these places and people who don't like me  because I'm not afraid to speak up about peoples stupidity and laziness. And yeah I get that. Some people don't know how to handle the honest truth. And that's fine I guess. But I am trying my hardest, doing everything I can every day and for what? I can't go to the gym I pay for because I'm always here. I can't make enough money to not worry about my car not passing inspection. I can't make enough money to just buy a new car. I can't make enough money to live on my own. And I know I never will. Do I really deserve more? I feel selfish saying yes. I feel so horrible saying I do deserve more because I know there are other people doing ...

You can't fix things. You can't change things when they aren't yours to change. You can't take responsibility for things that are out of control. You are going on vacation in 9 days and you get to get away from all the bullshit problems you can't fix even though they affect everything that I do. I'm just so stressed out all the time because its my responsibility to fix things, and no one lets me. No one listens to me. And most of all no one really fixes the problems. They just linger there like a decoration left out from a few holidays ago but you decide to just leave it up because you can. I don't understand why this is such a problem. I will never understand. I just don't know how I can make it to my vacation, if a hurricane doesn't ruin it anyway....

10 days, and I will be hoping on a plane (yikes) and going to Orlando. I will be staying in Buena Vista in a hotel that I hope got rid of their bug problem. I have to leave my cat for 10 days and I'm horrified. But I am so excited. But I am so scared I won't have enough money because traveling is going to be insane. But I am so speechless that I am actually going to Universal, I am going to Harry Potter World, and Disney before they change anymore. 10 days of standing in lines in the hot sun. 10 days of not standing in one place flipping through business cards. 10 days of sweet glorious vacation.

No one can just believe word of mouth because people lie. How sad. An issue has to persist until it is practically physically paining you until something gets done. Not like a sickness. Not like my popping elbow or heart palpitations. But to the point where you wish your hair would just turn gray already, or at least it would stop falling out. To the point where you  have to do so much extra work because all the issues are making it so. Why is it not enough to have me tell you things aren't good? Why is it never enough.

Brother I know I wronged you. I was so mean and so angry all the time. And I always took it out on you. You can't blame me, I was never allowed to do anything except watch you. I was always watching you. I was a teenager and I didn't want a kid. And you would always do rotten things, like playing with the Desitin or the baby powder. You would get sick and throw up all the time. And I always had to be there. But I did WANT to be there. Just not taking care of you like my child. Taking care of you like my brother. I feel guilty everyday that maybe the reason you have such a bad attitude and are ruthlessly defiant because of me. Maybe you don't care about anything because of me. But it scares me how self destructive you are. You don't care about anything but what makes you feel cool. Cool isn't real. Popularity is bullshit. Don't try to impress other kids your age. Don't try to play for their games. Because in the end, the only one that loses is you. ...

I had it all day Saturday but I ignored it. No use, it will go away eventually. Sunday, well I'm home, and all I have to do is Thriller practice. I will manage. But at work? All I do us is my eyes. Between my wrist, my elbows, my feet, my ankles. Cramps and this awful headache. Can I go home?

Well the funny thing is, I love other people kids. Well some of them. But I have basically had my own child since I was 12. And because of that, no grandchildren from me. I can't do it. I don't want to sacrifice my life for a kid. I have things I want to do because I wasn't able to as a teenager. I never had a teenager phase. I never ran away because I couldn't leave my brother as much as I hated him sometimes. I never went out and partied. I didn't drink until I was 21. Never smoked a cigarette, I didn't even smoke weed until recently. What did I do to deserve this? I never want kids ever. Because I don't want to sacrifice anymore of my time. This isn't fair.

But here you fucking are feeling stupid because you can never do enough.

Picking the end of September/ beginning of October was a damn mistake to go to Florida. I figured Halloween, it will still be warm, less kids because school basically just started. But low an behold I forgot mother nature wants to punish the world for treating her poorly. The boy and I have literally spent thousands of dollars on this trip. This is the most expensive thing I have ever done. And it is going to be RUINED by a hurricane. And I know I'm being selfish because all of the people there. I have loads of Aunts and cousins down there so I feel for them. But at the same time they are pretty used to hurricanes there. Irma is now a cat 5. What if it DESTROYS Disney and Universal? What if the next one happens so we can't fly home? Why have we destroyed the planet so much that now it is basically seeking revenge on us. I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't go on this trip. This is the only highlight I have. This is feels like the only thing that has kept m...

Such a shit loner. Like so secluded and I don't know why. I'm just not good enough for anyone. Because I don't want to talk shit I get ignored.... Like what the fuck did I do wrong....

So maybe I shouldn't be going out and doing stuff. But of course I am because I hate myself.