IAmAdrianna

When I work over 40 hours a week. I never know when I will be able to leave. I never know what time I will be getting out. It's always a guessing game. I know it's not a lot working 45+ hours a week and never knowing how much longer it will be. All this overtime and what do I have to show for it? Everyone makes so much more money than me. How am I supposed to live like that? How am I supposed to make a living if I can't live because I feel like I'm always at work or preparing to be. I watch the boy work the same shifts every week, get paid well and be fairly happy. And here I am. Working my ass off, day after day, losing every bit of sanity I have left. So I guess this is growing up.

But I know I'm really not. But maybe I am.  When I'm mean, I'm mean.  I'm impatient and can be very inconsiderate and rude sometimes. But I let everyone talk over me.  People ask for my help and I'm there. Borrow money? If I have it, even if I know you won't pay me back when you say. Need a ride? I'll be there. Need some gum? Mint or Fruit? Need food? Do you want my lunch? What would you like me to make for you. But at the same time, Whenever I say no, I feel like I'm being judged or will be treated differently because I said no. Whether it is personal guilt because I try to please everyone or just because I know that I will be treated differently because of my choice, I have a hard time saying no. And I try to not ask anyone for anyone for anything because I hate hearing no.  I will avoid asking people favors because I'm already an inconvenience so why make it worse? But I feel like there is no return for it. No one treats me any better. B...

Some how, we managed to be entitled and powerless at the same time. We feel as though we deserve everything. But we take offense to the smallest thing.  It is always fascinating to me that certain words, terms, or phrases can make someone personally offended when it is used. TAKE THAT WORD AND MAKE IT YOUR WORD. By showing your hatred and disgust you are just going to have no choice in when and how it's brought up because some people live to make other upset. LOVE THE WORD LOVE THE TERM LOVE THE PHRASE Own every bit of that and take all of their negativity and replace it with positivity. Don't feed into their hate. We deserve better. And sometimes we don't get it. Sometimes things are handed to others and they don't appreciate how well they have it. And then there are other people who will work multiple jobs just to afford life. Working 90 hours a week at dead end jobs just to make ends meet. It just sucks. Working so hard and getting nothing. This gene...

Maybe because I always sound so unsure because I never know what people want to hear. It's so hard. I can explain all I want but if no one believes me or thinks its a problem I just sound stupid. I will never be able to explain anything to anyone because people automatically think I don't know what I'm talking about. It's so stressful knowing that no one trusts me. What did I do to make it that way?!

When you sarcastically say "Global Warming isn't real" and someone agrees in all seriousness. Because "They don't trust that". It's situations like this that make me want to die. The fact that we are all so stupid and naive and like to pretend there are only popular and convenient issues. The fact that human beings are so shallow and so narcissistic to believe we are the only ones to be alive. That there is no possibility other than an invisible being in the sky who tells you what is right and wrong and even that is situational. You can rape a child, but if you give your soul to the lord you are forgiven. But if I believe in the facts of Global Warming as we watch our planets climate change by the minute, I'm the crazy one. I'm the crazy one when I talk about aliens or the simulation theory. But you are all normal for praying and believing in some random text that has been altered and changed for convenience. If you are offended by this, I...

I feel like I am going to crumple into myself. I feel like there is a gigantic boulder on top of me. My knees are shaking, my stomach is aching and I'm not strong enough to hold up this boulder. I don't have any strength left. I feel myself shrinking and feeling like less and less every minute. What else can I do? Nothing is ever enough. I try to be honest and that's never what people want to hear. Every time I try to please someone I end up failing miserably... I don't know what anyone wants from me. I'm shrinking every minute and every second.. I don't know what I have left to do and try. Because I've done all I can and my hands are getting heavy with the weight that I fear I'm just letting it fall on me. I'm letting the pressure just crush me and kill me. I'm just going to let go. Because I can't hold this anymore...

I'm trying to buy a car, and I will need check stubs, luckily for me my payroll account locked me out completely. Like what the hell else would my information be though? I pick only one username, so what the fuck else would it be? And then I get locked out even after trying to send my username to me. It's bull shit. Maybe it isn't meant to be. Maybe I'm just stuck with this car and it will just kill me. I am not paying someone to fix a 16 year old car that wasn't taken care of in the first place.

No one ever asks ME if I want to hang out. I always have to go directly to someone to hang out. And my car sucks and I hate driving, so that seems fair. Everyone is always hanging out with each other, taking photos and here I am alone. It's fucked up that when I was open about wanting to kill my self everyone came out of the wood works. But where are you now? You know that feeling doesn't go away right? You know I think about dying every fucking day because what is the point? I have a job that makes me feel inadequate in every way and doesn't pay nearly as much as it should. I will never have my own place or a decent car. The boy doesn't know how to handle my sadness or my anger. All the people who I called "friends" just hang around with toxic trash, people who are just using you because it makes them feel better. And here I am, alone because no one thought to ask Adrianna if she wanted to go out. No one asked Adrianna if she wanted to watch movies, or pl...

It's never enough. Nothing is ever enough. You give all that you have and you are still expected to give more. Why donate one pint of blood when you can donate 8? Why give up one kidney when you can give up two, a set of lungs, a hear and a liver? The fact that everyone has to sit there and over work themselves is sick. The fact that you have to work 80 hours a week to survive is fucking sick. I couldn't get a second job if I wanted to, hell I pay to go to a gym that I never have time to go to because I'm always at work. What is the point? What is the point of anything because all we have to do is work, and if we don't work, we are lazy. I don't have time to do anything because I'm always working. This is all just bullshit. I will never amount to anything but this. I wish I could go to school and become a hairdresser but I don't have the money for that or even for a new car. I'm just so fucking tired.

I had a good vacation. I walked, and didn't rest much. And waited in a lot of lines in the rain but I had fun. And then I come home and everything falls back into the shitty place it's been. I am never appreciated and expected to do so much. How is it that everyone else can do what they want when they want and get away with murder and the second I sneeze I get shit for it. This is insane. I can't do this. I can't keep this up. I am only one person. I don't know what else to do. Keep a job that gives me insurance and food. Or go somewhere else and still be miserable. I know I'm always upset but give me a reason not to be? I'm so done.