IAmAdrianna

And my problems aren't real. I'm going to get help. But I feel guilty every minute of every day because I don't ALWAYS feel like killing myself But I always don't see a point in trying to live. So it puts me in a weird spot. What about the guy who got violent and almost assaulted a nurse over a sandwich in the ER because he is an alcoholic. What about the lady on the side of me who was a Paranoid Schizophrenic with multiple other health issues? There are so many people out there (Including all those in the DBT program I tried to get into.) that have it way worse than me and then they go untreated and become the guy who almost and the guy last week that DID assault a nurse.. More than likely because they never were diagnosed or treated properly because there is such a stigma about mental health. And while that stigma exists, it doesn't stop the rest of the people trying to get help and then they are just so clogged up and full of mentally ill people that I am not...

I've danced around it for awhile. Is it going to help? Can I do TDI so I don't miss out on pay? What do I lose or gain from that. Is it worth it or am I just still going to be a depressed stubborn piece of shit with no meaning? No purpose. No point. Everyone is selfish for wanting to keep me here, wasting money and dealing with bullshit that is always beyond my control. I don't even want to call. Or go. I just want to sleep forever. The few things I was looking forward too this year have been ruined. So what is the point?

Life is passing me by I blink my eyes It's gone. Nothing left. On repeat Pretending it's easy for me. It doesn't get easier. I wish I could tell my 14 Year old self "TRUST ME, IT ALWAYS GETS WORSE"

I ask question after question. I was told IT'S OKAY TO ASK QUESTIONS. But now it isn't, now it's going to be just ignore me for as long as possible. Like what am I supposed to do when my next move depends on your answer? I am just so sick of trying to deal with everyone and no one wanting to help me. If someone asks me a question they demand the answer immediately. If I have a question it is "What now" or "What are you pestering me with now?" like really??? I just don't get it. I'm supposed to be responsible for things that are out of my control!???!! I'm about to become even shittier. You don't want to answer my simple questions then I don't want to deal with more of your shit pilled on top.

For therapy today and then realized it is next week. A year ago I was told to go to an out patient program and I declined because I was afraid of going broke. Now I am angry at myself because I could have taken TDI and done something. Now here I am trapped. I feel like I don't belong. I don't fit in. I don't watch what other people watch. I don't go out and drink and party. I don't care if someone misgenders me (anymore). I don't care about facebook, or drama. I care about all the awful things that are happening in the country but I want to put it out of site and out of mind. Now I am trapped inside a stubborn mind that doesn't want to change or doesn't think it is possible to change. GREATO

My therapy appointment... Went. I was 20 minutes late because I got ROCKED by traffic and 7 accidents. Her office is really nice. She suggested medication on the first appointment. Which isn't what I expected from a holistic therapist. So now I have to go there, which sucks because I don't want to pay. My insurance fucked me and now I have to pay 77 dollars for 13 visits before I hit my deductible. And I feel like I won't even get better. FUCK.

Who have all the money in the world to look for help. Therapy, Counselling, medication, experimental medication, just endless resources to help them get better. Does it really mean they are giving up because they commit suicide? Or is there no light in the darkness for some people? Just like some people are gay or straight. Just like some people are lactose intolerant. Just like some people fucking hate dark chocolate. Maybe some people just don't "get better" maybe, their get better is beyond this. Or maybe there isn't anything beyond it. It always pisses me off when people are called cowards for committing suicide. Because I can tell you right now it takes a lot of fucking courage. A LOT. To actually get that low that you plan on how you will do it, and how much time it will take and when you will actually take the first step to get that ball rolling. It takes a lot of fucking courage. If therapy or medication really worked, why do people still commit sui...

How am I supposed to function like a human being? I don't fit in anywhere because I'm too safe or not safe enough. I'm not worth it because I'm tired all the time. Or because my knees, my ankles, my hands hurt. I'm nothing because all I see is people getting special treatment and using their kids to "PUT THEIR KIDS FIRST" But at the same time is it really the "right" thing to do to put kids in this horrible world? Someone like me who looses my costume pieces, punches the table and then has a fucked up knuckle for a few weeks? How is being selfish, trying to make a little carbon copy of yourself to be "proud" of a reason for you to be more fulfilled than I? I'm just so sick of EVERYONE "Oh you'll change your mind someday." No someday I will grow the balls to just kill myself and not deal with it anyway. Since I don't get any slack cut to me. I didn't get a cat shower when I got a cat and I won't when I...