IAmAdrianna

Have I given up? Is it all to much. I can't stand this feeling of being all alone. I ask a question and it turns some heads I never get my answer Then I'm left hanging I toss and turn at night because it's all too much my head is spinning and I cannot catch my breath I look at myself I hate what I see No matter what you tell me I really hate this feeling. I don't care what others think I'm my own worst critic How can you have confidence but still hate yourself. A constant battle, An endless war This conflict inside me Is just a fucking mess. Am I overreacting? Did I think too much? Am I playing games? Am I really like this? Will I ever be okay? I know I'm wrong, but it feels so right. I am all alone I don't know what I'd like. An endless battle, A constant War Eating up inside me Will I ever find something more?

Feeling it. I don't fit in with anyone. All of my interactions seem forced. I have been feeling fat because I have been eating non stop. I am always hungry. I listen to the same sound tracks over and over again. I come home and watch asmr videos so I don't have to think about how my work treats me like I don't matter. So I don't have to think about my hospital bill, because I didn't get paid the whole 2 weeks I was out. I am looking down at my stomach and I am just completely disappointed. I go to sleep and toss and turn. I have all these weird dreams. I can't have sex comfortably or enjoy it really. I don't want to hang out with anyone but I feel left out when I don't and I am home alone. I keep getting this strange taste in my mouth like when you get salt water in your nose. I used to feel like I was just floating outside of my body, but I feel more like I am playing a simulation of my life. Every day is the same. I feel worthless, useles...

I am being pulled in every direction. I am being asked to be so many things. I don't know if I can be any of those things. I don't know if I want to be. I don't know if I would be happy with any choice. Or if I should just leave like I always do. I'm good at running away and starting over. But I don't want to do that. I'm broke, rent is coming up and I have a bunch of bills that are late or due. I signed up for that Wag crap and wasted $25 on nothing. Because there are no dogs around me that are to be walked after 10am. WHY. I need more money. I am not spending nearly as much as I used too. So this makes it extra hard. Because no matter what I do or how hard I work I still am broke. I still feel invalid because I don't make enough.

Every time it gets cold and turns to fall I am ready to quit. It's the sign of a new year, and the sign of me still doing the same stupid shit over and over again. I smell the air and I get butterflies thinking about my first days of school and what it felt like to have purpose or just something to do that was "good" for me. I don't know how to describe it. I don't know how to explain it. It is nostalgic but at the same time nauseating. Another year, the same sad person who doesn't fit in any where. Another year of tears and sadness. Another year of the same bullshit monotony. They say "Good thing's come to those who wait"  I don't know how much longer I can wait honestly. I am getting so sick and tired of being sick and tired. My teeth hurt, my chest is heavy. I feel my hands getting colder and colder as the days go by. Hell it is already dark enough I need headlights when I go to work." That stresses me out because that means HOL...

Is it because I am a little nurotic? Is it because I ask too many questions? Is it because I am shy/ not overtly friendly until I get to know someone? Is it because of my Anxiety? My Depression? Is it because I get angry when people don't do things right? Is it because I cry when I get upset? Is it because I am me, and you really don't like me? What is the point of me working on anything when I clearly don't have a future? There is NOTHING for me. People who pretend to care when I get sad. People who feel guilty when I am sad. People who take pity and feel bad for me? A person who doesn't talk to me so I have no clue what his plans are in regards to us because I certainly feel like I don't have a say in the matter. How much more playing pretend am I going to have to do until I get sick of it. Because I am already getting pretty sick of it.

I had an interview offer, I had a subtle behind the scenes offer,  and a "direct" offer of a position that doesn't exist yet but depending on how much time I actually spend doing it, may be. I just don't know what to do. The behind the scenes offer is 2:30-11PM and I am alllllllllll set with 2nd shift life. That sounds like an easy way for me to never see anyone ever. But this other job may suck just as much. And I may hate it. Once again, no matter what choice I make I am making the wrong one and I don't know what will be the lesser of 2 evils.

5 hours of interrupted sleep is not doing me well. I got in at about 10 after bringing my brother home. I couldn't fall asleep. I couldn't stay asleep. My whole body hurts and feels like it is off kilter. I need my back cracked ASAP because it is making standing even harder with my knees. But my eyes are so heavy, I didn't even want to get up this morning. I have a headache, and I'm just ready to go to sleep. I can't keep waking up this early. It's only 7:00 and I am already planning on how the fuck am I going to be able to stay awake tonight. I probably have to work tomorrow because "There is no overtime" but work the weekend?! That will be 3 hours of sleep then I have a therapist appointment. Providence at 5 O'clock sounds super fun and all but......... I just want to go home and sleep for a few more hours. This struggle bus has run the fuck out of gas.

I feel like I am doing the same things. Going through the same motions. I can't get out. I'm trapped. I do things because other people ask me to because that is "progress". But I just want to come home and go to bed. I'm just so tired. I am so bored. I don't want to keep working this job that is so unfulfilling and completely makes me forever in turmoil if I am just being a baby and should just get over it and deal with it or if I just want to walk through the warehouse, tell everyone I think they are shitty and leave. I feel so forced in everything I am doing. And I am genuinely trying. I am telling myself this is good for me. I am telling myself to have fun and stay positive. But I feel like honestly? Nothing is really changing. My dreams are so active they keep me awake at night. I get home and I'm exhausted and want to sleep. In the mornings at work I want to dance and coreograph but when I get home I am uninspired and tired. I want to be ...