IAmAdrianna

I would go back to school. I would go to cosmetology school, buy myself a car and a house/apartment close to school. Then once I graduated I would go to more schooling for special effects makeup. Then I would open my own shop and decorate it so each room would have a different personality. I would have my sister do massage therapy. I would ask any hair dresser friends if they wanted to work with me. And I would have a really cool salon... I would help all of my family. I would help my Grammie to retire earlier and not screw her of money. I would buy her a house with a huge porch and a brown horse. I would pay my moms bills and buy her a house. I would set up a fund for my brother so he  can get a car when he is old enough and put some in there for college. I would buy her a brand new car. I would buy my sister a new car and pay her student loan debts. I would also pay for her wedding. I would pay off the boys car. I would give my my best friend money to fix her house. I would giv...

I'm a toys' r us kid.... I don't want to grow up and have to pay for things, and think about my future but I don't have a choice, and I haven't had one for a long time. I just want to move out, on my own with the boy, and a room mate or two. I wanna decorate my own house and be able to do whatever whenever. I want the freedom to invite whomever over whenever. Or have a really loud movie night. I have been practicing saving. Realistically, the money I would spend on my food while I'm at work is nothing. Peanut butter lasts like 3 weeks, that's $3. Bananas are like $1 for the week. My shakes are like $20 but they always go on sale for much cheaper. That isn't like anything. And we can't cook every day so we buy more and waste more and we don't even mean to do it.  "But *ohmygod* you spend money on weed". But like this is the only thing at the moment that helps me relax after feeling like shit all day. How dare I, when I am always worki...

My entire life I have been a girl. I played with barbies, I pretended to be a Spice Girl. I danced and wore dresses. But for me, that didn't mean anything. I rode bikes with my cousins. I played with cars. I LIVED in my video games. But to me that never meant anything. Being "girly" was something that never occurred to me. Being a "tom boy" never occurred to me. I have always been me. I wore makeup for a performances. I wore dresses for parties. But not because I had to, because I thought it looked nice. Being calling myself a female isn't a bad thing. When I had short hair as a teenager I was FURIOUS when people would refer to me as a boy. But as I got older I wondered why. Because I'm not offended by "gender" gender doesn't exist. We are all humans with different parts and different bodies. I will continue to wear combat boots with dresses. Or wish that I could wear a binder and be flat chested for a few days. (I can't fin...

I work so hard and I feel like it goes so under appreciated. And it isn't just me. I see all the people around me get used and abused and it isn't fair. I need health insurance. I need money. But at what cost to me? I seriously contemplate suicide every time I go to work. But this is the most money I have ever made at a job. And I have worked a lot of places.... It baffles me why people have stayed this long or if maybe they like feeling like they aren't good enough. Or maybe they are just really coming down on me. Maybe they think that I have an extra set of hands and eyes. But they don't try to fix anything. They just overwork people and make them hate themselves... I'm so sick of being so miserable and blaming myself when I can't do something or when I can't get something done. But I have to make money and be able to survive. But I'm not sure if I can survive this.

I will never fucking be enough.

Sometimes I feel like I'm apart of the inside joke... Other times I feel like I was raised on a different planet. I have no idea what any one is talking about sometimes. I didn't watch the cartoons that everyone watched. I didn't play all the games that everyone played.... Everyone conversed and there I am alone in a crowded room. I guess it will always be like this.

I had a dream the other night that the boy left me for someone I'm going to see tonight. And I'm just all fucked up. I don't know what to feel. I know it was only a dream. I know it wasn't real. But is it possible? Unfortunately... My sister got engaged and here I am, hanging on a thread. Feeling like I will never be enough. Feeling like I will never be special. The anxiety is so real right now. I also know that I shouldn't drink. But I'm shitty and I need to fit in. What trash... I am just at a loss and I don't know what to do. If anyone has any suggestions for a phsychiatrist, drop them in a comment, or  HERE . I need help because I'm falling apart and I feel like I'm behind the wheel of a car that has no clue or care where it's going. I just want to get out of this car into the driver seat, or get in with someone who will keep me safe.

This is getting ridiculous. How much more water can I drink? Or tea? What else can I avoid? Are the vitamins doing this? Because I started taking a lot more than I did before but who knows.  I just want to fix my physical self as much as possible... I hope its working and the headache is a temporary side effect.

But in like a weird way. I get jealous when I get left out of things. When other people get all chatty with each other but not me. I dream about it. I dream about people ignoring me because I have something wrong with me. But I don't want to fucking go to therapy anymore. I need to find a psychiatrist or something to really get down to the real issues. Not tell me that my brain muscle is shit because I'm too negative. Maybe I'm not negative, maybe my life just sucks and people don't want to give me  a chance. Because even people who have reached out to me, haven't really paid attention to me and that just proves my point.

I hate waking up so early because I have to go to bed so early. I'm always miserable. I would love to go to cosmetology school but I don't have money for that. I wish I could just win the lottery so I could pay for myself to live while I go to school. Then I could start a life and a career. Also, my sister got engaged. And I'm INCREDIBLY jealous. She is making a HUGE step. I hope she is making the right choice. I really do.

My right wrist and elbow are killing me. It's like a radiating pain from my elbow that is making my shoulder start to hurt. I started taking MSM for my other elbow but now I'm thinking it might be damaging more. Like what the heck can I do for a job that doesn't rely on hands or wrists. NOTHING. I can't work out and I can't do anything because my wrists are always messed up and now my elbows. I woke up in a garbage mood again so that's how this day is going to go I guess. And I still have the residual headache from yesterday... Yay.

What a mess. I forgot my heels, I couldn't get my clothes on, my hair was a mess. What a disaster. I had such a headache my head is still sore. I was a mess. Ugh. Hopefully tonight I can pull it together a little more.

Social media isn't social media. It's political media. It's making me want to cry everyday because people are so messed up. I don't care about your freedom of speech when you are exercising that freedom to hate an entire slew of people for no reason other than their religion, heritage or sexual preference. The fact that we are still using the word Nazi is disgusting. People wouldn't hate and cause violence if y'all grew up and realized that you shouldn't be perpetuating this bullshit. It's heinous. It's such a double edged sword but why can we not just get over ourselves and live in peace. There are so many other issues that people want to forget about. How about the fact that millions (probably more) of people all over the world don't have access to clean water? How about the millions (probably more) of people who are STARVING and don't know when their next meal will be? What about the kids who have been sitting in shotty orphanage...

" com·mu·ni·ca·tion kəˌmyo͞onəˈkāSH(ə)n/ noun 1 . the imparting or exchanging of information or news. "direct communication between the two countries will produce greater understanding" synonyms: transmission ,  conveyance , divulgence,  disclosure ;  More 2 . means of connection between people or places, in particular." A friendship, A relationship, or a work place. A little communication goes a long way. When people aren't on the same page things can get beyond disastrous. Relaying information shouldn't be a task. It's a basic necessity because we everyone deserves to know. When you communicate you can have a much better understanding of things. You will feel happier because you don't have to take extra steps to get something accomplished. In a relationship, you communicate because your partners needs are just as important as your o...

I feel like I'm on some sort of auto pilot. Driving to work this morning I felt like a damn zombie. Not like I went to bed any later than normal. But just like trapped in a loop that I can't get out of. I'm just so bored and it sucks. I don't wanna wake up so early and stay at work until whenever I can escape. I want to sleep sometimes so I can go do things at night and not be boring. But at the same time my job is just so boring that I feel like I"m going to fall asleep while doing it. Even if I have music, audiobooks or podcasts. I still am always on the verge of just falling asleep. Which in itself is a miracle because I sleep with earplugs in. I'm just so sick of the monotony of this everyday struggle to prove myself to people who don't give a shit about me. The saga continues..

Trying to work on my intuition. I've been trying to ground myself. And I almost feel like I am back. Sometimes I feel like I'm starting to float back. And that's scary. Because I feel like I was surrounded in a dark mist. Now I just feel like its a little foggy. I'm trying to grasp anything I can about Wiccan and Paganism. But it is so hard and boring. I don't have the attention span to keep reading. Even with music on. It's just too dry for me. I just want to be normal again. I don't want to panic. I don't want to cry. I don't want to hate myself. And I'm still unsure about dying but I probably shouldn't want to do that. "Jesus Christ, I'm not scared of dying, I'm a little bit scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot? Do I float through the ceiling?" ~Brand New- "Jesus" I just want to feel hope. I want to feel loved and happy. I just want to be manageable. I'm sick of being a burden to every...

I manage to be the BIGGEST bitch. But still be the nicest person. I know I have a really hard time saying no. Especially in situations where I feel like I can't say no. I feel like if I say no, then I will start more problems than I can handle. I feel like no matter how much I hate people I can still respect them, and I still understand they are human.  But hating someone doesn't mean you are mean to them. It doesn't mean you have to ignore them and treat them less than human because regardless, someone is always going through something. And that doesn't go for everyone some people are just INHERENTLY EVIL. And then some people will still help others because its always good to do favors for people.  You never know when you might need one yourself.

I have one coworker who keeps telling me I've lost so much weight. If anything in the past two weeks I have gained a bunch... But today he said he was proud of me. He was very overweight as a teenager so he knows the struggles. But it was just incredible to hear. Even though I have gained a lot from not gyming, and having a crap diet I felt like I wasb digressing... But hey, I'm working on it. But I will never deprive myself again.

The harder you work the more benefits you will reap. Or something like that. I work so hard every day trying to impress people and show them that I am not an idiot. But every day I feel more stupid and insulted. Everyday I question my sanity and I'm just so lost and overwhelmed. Can I just win the lottery so I can get a better car and go to school so I can have a real career?!

Because fighting fire with fire is a great choice.

I just want to pack my things and move away. Like far away. No drama, no problems. I'm just so sick of watching people throw their lives away and be bad people. 

Move the fuck outta here. This country, these people. It makes it so hard to see this flaming dumpster fire of a country every day. I don't see hope here because people are crazy.

I know I am an empath. And it SUCKS. I can't be around people for to long sometimes because it's too much.. I don't have any way to control it. I was told to not watch the news but I can't help it sometimes. I got upset yesterday because leaving my family reunion I saw a shaggy white dog walking by itself on the sidewalk. No tags. Nothing. But I know I can't do anything about it. I could get the dog if it would come to me and then what? It was Sunday so animal shelters close Sunday. I know I can't fix stupid but WHY GET AN ANIMAL IF YOU CAN'T WATCH IT. It fucking hurts me. Especially with animals. It makes me want to cry. It makes me feel sick. And I can't stop it. I can't stop feeling that way. I can see crummy posts on facebook and I can't handle it. I can't handle any of it. Its too much. I'm listening to a  few  VIDEO'S  right now. And I'm trying to figure out how to do this. I know I need some sort of belief and/or spiri...

I had a really crummy dream this morning. It made me realize something. I really don't like myself. I'm weak, mentally and physically. I am chubby and unhealthy looking. I go to the gym and get no results and then I skipped the gym the past 2 weeks. I feel so crummy about it. I'm always going to have dark and veiny under eyes that make me look like I have been vomiting for hours. I'm always going to have frizzy shitty hair. I'm never going to fit in any clothing. I may look okay to myself in photos. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I feel like that isn't me for anyone. I seek so much approval from people because I think it always looks bad. Or I always just feel my choice is the wrong choice. I don't feel like I'll ever be enough. Ever.

The new one isn't gonna work. I asked to reschedule an appointment and she basically said that maybe I'm not ready for therapy because I wanted to reschedule next week. I wasn't asking to hold an appointment, I was asking to reschedule. So whatever. I'll find someone else. She didn't even introduce herself to me. WHATEVER THEN.

 If I want to see the therapist any more.  I'm like okayiah now. Maybe I need just something like paganism or something. But at the same time I'm not the only one who needs to talk. Le ugh.

IAmAdrianna6.Sarahah.com If you are reading my blog, I do want to get this thing more active. So if you think of topics you would like me to write about, have any comments or concerns or want to hear more about things or whatever post them here! Thankssss!

Real or not a belief based on story telling a feeling a pull of energy to a cross or a potion A god, a goddess The holy spirit and the angels one with the earth or one with the host A belief in faith, in a higher power Or nothingness.

Ordered me flowers and had them delivered to work. I know it wasn't the boy, he wouldn't do that. But I don't know who it was. I wish I did, I just want to thank them because they are so beautiful and I'm so touched. But so confused. Who would give a shit about me enough to get me flowers. And have them delivered to my work. "From one colorful person to another" I WISH I KNEW I FEEL LIKE THIS IS A RIDDLE I CANNOT SOLVE. It's driving me crazy. And all these Sarahah anons are so nice. BUT WHO ARE YOU. LETS HANGOUT. MAYBE IF YOU REVEALED YOURSELF MIKE WOULD LET US MAKEOUT. YOU NEVER KNOW STRANGER.

I sage'd my room, my bed, my crystals, and my self. I started reading one of the books but I don't have he attention span. It's so hard. But I made my little grounding pouch. I have Citrine, Hematite, Quartz, and Moonstone. I was told I was a Moon Goddess and my energy is crazy strong. That I have a spirit guide who is a moon goddess waiting to get into contact with me. And I don't know how to do it. I don't know if I believe enough. I don't know if I feel enough. While she was working on my chakras I actually felt pressure, and heat, and a lump in my throat. I don't know how. I want to become this spiritual being with meaning. I really do. And I hope it will help change things in my future. By cleaning the negativity and getting my faith in order. Maybe then I can finally find some sort of peace and change things.

Today I had the most intense tarot reading ever. Then I had some chakra work done. I feel so different. But still the same. This voice is always calling me and beckoning me to this sort of stuff. I have Built My pouch with my grounding crystals. I'm so distant and she was right. Now I am in search of the Moon Goddess who will help strengthen me and help me be where I need to be.

I feel achy I feel sad I feel alone I feel mad I feel fat I feel ugly I feel unattractive I feel stupid I feel crazy I feel paranoid I feel jealous I feel alone I feel sick I don't want to feel.

My body, my mind. IT all hurts.

Fix You? I wish I could fix you, and mend where you are broken. And I wish you could fix me too.

Ask for advice. Do something. Don't sit and be complacent. I am asking for help so why can't you. If you need help, ask someone for guidance. Ask someone how you can help. Make a change for the better.

Why am I not attractive to the boy, No matter what I do. I try so hard and I'm still not good enough. That switch doesn't just shut off. I'll never be beautiful or cute. But he will still attempt to sleep with me even though I'm pretty sure he is just desparate. When I need you to make me feel like this whole thing is worth it, you don't care. Someone needs to talk to you and you need to open up. So maybe you can figure out why you got so cold. You don't have to be your parents, you can be so much better. We can be "happy", loving, caring and supportive to each other. It's just so hard when the guy you wanted to marry one day just stops loving you because your brain is messed up. It's not fair.

Ganzfeld Effect Okay, I have been listening to  Weird Tales and the Unexplainable . Its a fun show if you podcast. But they had a Ouija board episode that led me to  This Video . The last one, I was curious why he had all the gear on. But I looked it up and WTF. It sounds incredibly weird.

Well, here it goes. She isn't peppy and fun like the last one. She also looks like she may have been doodling throughout but maybe not. She is incredibly difficult to read. BUT she seems like she might be able to push through my stubbornness... I drove to a different building because I thought I was in the wrong spot. Turns out this one building just has a million different rooms. But I'm hopeful... Nicole got me a My Intention bracelet. I chose the word HOPE. I hope I can fight this. I hope I can get better. Even though right now I'm in an okay place, I feel selfish talking like this because I'm feeling okay. Here's to hope. Now time for sushi.